The gods by whom our empire stood, have left us…
-Vergil
Refrain
Holly felt like the world was empty. She felt that the gods had abandoned this nation, and left behind all the machines of life, with no divinity to guide them.
She rolled the cigarette in her fingers. Dry paper, dry air, and a dried up corner of Montana. She watched a woman cross the street.
She felt disconnected. As if she and everyone else had been playing some big game, and she finally lost. With no reason, no sportsmanship- it was just over one day. And the less it all seemed to have a reason, the better the cigarettes tasted.
Holly pissed away many of her mortal hours at the church, on the steps after all the bells tolled, spectating the game others were playing. It was the only nice spot in town where you could still sit for free and not get asked any questions.
She took one last slow drag and got up.
Ambrosia
She lived just down the road on the outskirts of town. The trees were budding again along the street, but as the foliage and lines of houses thinned out, they gave way to those unrelenting plains. Another victim of gods’ machines, slashed and burned to make way for even greater plains.
She came to her house, a converted barn she shared with three others. Once inside, June noticed her first. She was fiddling with an tube TV in the corner of the common room.
“Hey.” June greeted, without turning from her work.
“Hey- whatchya got there?” Holly asked.
“It’s an old TV. I found it in a dumpster behind the school. I’m trying to fix it.”
“Oh that’s nice, I never knew ya ta be a dumpster diver.”
“Well, what was I supposed to do let them just throw it away?”
“Naw naw, it’s a good thing whatchyer doin’ ere.” Holly made her way to the other end of the room. The whole house was really all one large common area, a loft up top for June and Holly, and a room under the loft for the other two, Walt and Oscar.
“The boys home?” Holly asked.
“I don’t know where they are.” June didn’t take her eyes off her project. Holly thought to herself, why do I kinda love it when she ignores me?
Holly climbed the stairs to the loft. Their beds were just mattresses on the floor with all their earthly possessions scattered beside them. She stewed on her mattress. She didn’t know what to do with herself. It was a curse- when she worked, she felt like shit. But when she had the day off, she felt useless. It was an affliction that had been growing since she dropped out. A disease in the form of a constant companion: Restless. Restless followed Holly mostly everywhere she went. They had become almost like a friend.
And now as Restless sat beside her, they thought to her, Holly, what exactly are we doing right now?
Holly thought back, What the hell… Whadda you even care?
Alright then. A little outwardly hostile but whatever, they responded.
Oh, I’m sorry, am I the one followin’ you around and questionin’ your life?
I’m not questioning your whole life, god, you can be so touchy. I’m putting that on the list…
What list?
The list of things for us to work on.
Holly couldn’t help but chuckle to herself, you’re such a son a bitch sometimes I can’t even be mad at you.
Restless smiled, you’re welcome.
Restless faded from her focus then, though she was never truly without their presence. Again Holly wondered about the game everyone was playing. She wondered if June was playing it; if she was winning.
She heard a thud from below, followed by a “Fuck.” Holly leaned over the edge of the loft. “How’s it goin’?” She called down.
“Oh, you know…” June sighed.
“Need any help wit dat?”
“Nope.” June said. Holly watched her, thinking she was almost beautiful in that moment.
Holly laid down. The sun was draining out from the loft window. With her eyes closed she reached beside her mattress until she found a little box. Muscle memory guided her as she opened it and produced a clear plastic strip of Ambrosia, almost so thin it could be mistaken for nothing. Restless frowned with knowing anticipation.
She pressed the strip onto her side. A tingling sensation emerged then grew from the area after a minute. Not long after, the feeling of being smothered ever so gently covered her body. A warmth arose from her heart and her flesh caramelized, as if the feeling was traveling through her blood. Because it was.
Numb had arrived. Finally, finally he was back! Her bones cried. With practice, she gave in before she knew the wave coming. Numb slipped into her body like nothing. No struggle. And without resistance from Holly, he took his time working through her. Sometimes he would agonize over a part of her, as if winding around every rib many times over. Then he would fly through her legs before she had a second to savor it. But it didn’t matter. It was over. For just a little while it could be over.
Hours took the shape of minutes. The wooden walls, the embers of the soul, the smell of the earth. Points of focus drifted in and out of her attention. The moment became slippery. As soon as she’d recognize a moment, it would vanish again and another half hour would pass. Someone’s voice, a light gone out, the unplaceable heat. And when Numb reached his absolute crescendo, that old angel Sleep drew her away.
Union Station
Holly woke up around one in the morning. She often woke up suddenly, bolt upright, breathing slow, fully awake. She wished she could get up that quickly when she actually needed to. She took stock of her surroundings, June’s body on the mattress across from her, the blankets half off the bed, the muted hum of the country bleeding in from outside, and the silhouette of Restless.
Restless nodded and thought, mornin’.
Holly rubbed her face and thought back, mornin’…
Are we getting up?
Do we haveta?
C’mon, Hol. You know you’re not gunna fall back asleep.
Fine. I suppose you’re right.
Quickly and quietly, she got up, grabbed her satchel and headed out with Restless in tow. The theater night shone down disapprovingly and the cool wind whipped by them as they stepped off the porch and strode down the road. The night was so dead and silent that the two began to walk on the center line of the road, since they hadn’t seen a single car since they left. They walked so far into town without seeing another soul, that Holly wondered if she was the last person left on earth. How do I know, she thought, that everyone besides me didn’t disappear as soon as I left the barn?
Restless replied, I dunno.
Exactly. Ya don’t know.. She let her mind wander about what she might do if she really was the last person on earth. I could rob the gun store- start blowing holes in things. Tag the dome of the capital building. Eat a lotta junk food. Hotwire a lambo…
Eventually they reached their destination, an underpass of train tracks just beyond union station. There was already a gallery of graffiti, partly hers, but she managed to find a blank space. Restless, having sufficiently moved Holly, began to retreat into her mind.
At first she just stood before the wall and shook the cans in her hand, letting the ball inside click back and forth. She tried to have an idea, but her mind was blank. She started putting color on the concrete canvas anyway. As soon as she did, a weight was lifted off of her, and a rare figure arrived: Stillness. Guiding her hands, sweet and comforting. Holly was relieved immediately and Stillness softly practiced her magic. Pretty soon, through Holly’s intuition and Stillness’s musing, they had an idea. And once Holly knew what she was painting it became much easier. Wide pink and white petals, yellow anthers, and a silky purple calyx… yeah.
They stepped back. It was a stylized flower resembling a lotus. Holly stood in pride, but the reassuring hand of Stillness began to dim. Holly knew better than to fight her departure, lest she retroactively ruin their chance meeting. Instead, she tried to savor the brief and delicate presence. And when she no longer felt Stillness with her, Holly simply walked back home, cigarette in hand, through the theater of the night.
Sociology
The next morning, Dawn with her rose red fingers laid herself over the horizon, and the four housemates woke up. June was first, rummaging through the kitchen. Holly followed close behind her.
“Mornin’” Holly said, descending the stairs to the kitchen.
“Good morning.” June replied.
“Whatchya got today?”
“Sociology. 9:00AM. Like usual. Or did you mean for breakfast?”
“Nah I meant yer classes… I don’t expectchya to make me breakfast, just like ya shouldn’t expect me to memorize yer schedule.”
“Well.” June cracked two eggs into a pan.
Holly sat on a stool by the fridge and wondered what sociology was.
Walt and Oscar emerged from their room, the only secluded place in the barn, and wondered over to the kitchen counter. “G’morning.” Walt said.
Oscar peered over June’s shoulder, “Hey, whatchya got there?”
“They’re called eggs.” June replied.
“Oh alright, alright. Walt, whatchya want?” Oscar asked.
“Oh whatever you’d like.” Walt replied, setting himself down on the couch on the other end of the room.
“I already know what I’d like, but I’m askin’ whadda you want?”
“Got any milk left?”
“Lemme look ere…” Oscar opened the fridge and smelled the milk. “OH- boy, whoo. Yeah I dun think so Walt, sorry, this milk’s boutta sprout legs an runnaway.”
Holly listened to the morning banter for a little longer before getting changed, and preparing for work. On her way out the door Oscar questioned her, “Holly, you have anythin’ to eat?”
“Nah, I’mma get it while I’m out.”
“Oh okay, you have a good one.” Oscar said, while Walter offered a wave.
“Thanks, see ya.”
Afternoon Shift
Holly biked to work. All four of them had bikes, generously “reappropriated” by June. Holly’s commute was down the long flat highway out of town to a desolate gas station.
She parked her bike in back, and locked it to a fence. Inside she was greeted by the weary eyes of her colleague, Marty. Marty smiled when he saw her. “Hey, Holly.” he said as Holly came behind the counter to clock in.
“Mornin’.” She said. “How ya doin’?”
“Oh, you know… you know how it is. I’m glad to see you- you know, I’m always glad to see you. You know why? Every time I see you, I get to go home. That’s what I like about you. You’re like the cavalry, you know.”
“Uh huh. I suppose I’m glad you appreciate me.” Holly set her things down under the register while Marty retrieved his things and clocked out. He waved to her on his way out the door.
Your pain ends, and mine begins, Holly thought.
A young man in a camo jacket stepped in, went straight for the coffee, and then up to the counter. “Morning, and can I get a pack of Newports please?” He looked sidelong out the window as he asked.
Holly looked at his profile. He was probably too young, or at least close. For a moment she thought fuck the system, I should give ‘em to him. Something stopped her. “Sure thing, can I see you ID hun?” She turned around to pull the pack off the wall but by the time she came back around she could tell his whole story from his face.
“Sorry, I dun have it with me.”
Again the dilemma struck her. He’s probably just going to get them somewhere else anyway. But what if this would be his first and I can stop him now? “I’m sorry, hun I’mma need to see ID. Wouldya like me ta ring ya up for just the coffee?”
“Sure.” He said, the red in his cheeks intensified.
She rang him up, “Have a nice day now.” She tried to smile at him, to tell him that he didn’t have to feel bad.
“Ave a nice day.” He couldn’t meet her eyes.
The rest of the shift Holly was thinking about it. It wasn’t the first time something like that had happened. She mused to herself, When I’s his age I’s prolly doing a lot worse than a pack of Newports. Not that that was great or anythin’. But who am I to deny some young trouble a little relief? Then again, as soon as they gotchya they gotchya. That’s why tobacco will never go away: lifelong customers.
A few other notables visited during her shift. A man with a gnarly neck tattoo, a slightly pretty woman, a slightly cute guy, but nothing much happened.
She often let her mind wonder at work, what else was she supposed to do? Eventually Restless would join her during the long empty stretches. She though to Restless, is it wrong ta give Mr. Tobacco my money? Course I do steal what I can from the old diesel station, in terms of cigarettes. It’s my own little wayya getting’ back at the man. My own silent, unnoticed, and ineffectual protest, against the man. That and sometimes “forgettin’” to scan an item. Just somethin’ little. Especially for the poorer lookin’ folks.
Restless was sitting on a windowsill behind the counter, Sure, they thought, it’s a kind of class solidarity, or something.
Right. Who am I really hurtin’? My boss isn’t gunna be out on the streets anytime soon.
Whereas can the same be said for you?
Ha, we’ll just have to see…
The day dragged on and by the end of her shift, she was thinking about her own drug use, which she was in something of a daydream about.
I know it’s not good for me… but they’re always tellin’ me what’s good for me. What’s bad for me. I’ll tell you what’s bad for you: the TV, the corporate bailouts, and the tax cuts for Mr. Tobacco. If those things don’t kill me before the cigarettes I’d be impressed. Of course the smoking is hardly anythin’, just a little somethin’. Like a hug. It doesn’t fix the problem but it sure makes you feel better about it. It’s the ambrosia that makes you forget it all… I’m probably going to do another one tonight.
Restless countered, Hol, no. You don’t even know what life is like for normal people.
Whaddya mean?
You’re just, so…
Huh, what?
You do a lotta goddam drugs Hol. Like, a lot.
I know, I know, and I know it’s bad-
I didn’t say you didn’t know!
Holly was flustered and didn’t respond to Restless. But she couldn’t keep the thoughts out her head.
I’ll probably do another one tonight…
The thought stuck in her head.
The hour was almost up.
She sold a man a lottery ticket.
The hum of the refrigerators bothered her.
She put twenty bucks on pump four.
She metaphorically banged her head on the counter.
But before long her cavalry had arrived, Josie. Josie burst in with a big grin, “Hey Ms. Holly, how’s it goin’?” Holly hated being called Ms. at first, but now the routine of it seemed somehow comforting.
“It’s alright. I can’t wait to do it all again tomorrow.” She sarcastically remarked.
“Oh, I know it.” Josie clocked in.
Holly collected her things and resigned her post. She watched Josie get situated, thinking that she somehow looked especially beautiful in that moment, with her wildfire hair and her smile. She almost said something more, but suppressed the thought and instead just said what she always said, “Welp, see you on the other side.”
“Have a good night Ms. Holly.”
Holly rode back as the sun was cresting the ridge of the mountains. I just can’t keep my heart ta myself, she thought. Her mind raced. The wind swept across her face. She felt the residual buzz of Restless. The insatiable hunger for something. The unnamable something. Almost a pain of a kind, it brought energy and confusion. She couldn’t help herself. She wished someone could see her.
Deadend
She arrived back at the ranch and locked her bike up. Inside she found her three roommates all in front of the TV. Walt and Oscar were in a bundle of blankets on the couch and June was on the armchair.
Oscar turned when he heard the door, “Hey Holly, look, June got the TV to work!”
“Well that is sumthin.” Holly said, “Whaddya watchin?”
“I dunno, some old movie- come join us!”
Holly couldn’t help but smile, “Alright, I gotta put my stuff down.” When she returned and took her place on the couch, June finally met her eyes, “How’s this for living in the 21st century?”
“I am impressed.” And Holly was. As the evening waned, she reheated the last of her leftovers and finished the film with them. It was just some romance, but it really did make the old barn more bright and alive.
Afterwards, the lads retreated to their room, and June and Holly ascended to the loft. Holly laid on her side on the mattress while June change into her pajamas.
“So what’s it yer doin in school these days June?” Holly asked.
“Oh, well the semester’s dragging on like usual. Not much.”
“Mm… How long ya got left in school?”
“Two more years, including this one.”
“Mm… Whaddya gunna do when ya get out?”
June sat down on her own mattress and faced her, “What are you my mom?”
Holly chuckled, “I’m serious. I’m just… I mean, what the fuck am I doin’ with my life, June?”
“Oh Holly. You’re a deadbeat druggie gas station attendant in lonely Montana.”
“Well that makes me feel better.”
“What do you want me to tell you? You’re a straight edge princess in a New York penthouse?”
“Well- dammit June, I just- what am I gunna do?”
“Holly. You might be a deadbeat, but you’re not a dead-end. How do you think I got to college? I was a dropout too back in the day. The fact that I’m here is a miracle.”
“Yeah but yer already smart.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to… besides, what’s wrong anyway, you’ve been living like this for some time…”
“I know, I know…I dunno. I dunno. The truth is that… I dunno- I love you goddammit!”
June’s face sharpened, she looked down, sighed, and looked up again, “No- Holly, you don’t. You don’t know what you want, and I don’t know that I can help you. Goodnight.”
Holly rolled away from her, feeling the sting of embarrassment and that unnamable buzz of pain. She lied there for a long time, watching the tail of light on the wall simmer down from blue to black. Restless found their way into her mind and silently nudged her as she tried to close her eyes. When the precipice of night arrived, she got up. June was asleep or at least pretending. Holly stepped outside and chain smoked a pack over the course of an hour.
Refrain
Holly felt like world was empty. She felt that God had abandoned her, and left behind the machines of autogenesis, without any way to understand them.
She toyed with her cigarette. Warm embers, smokey air, and a burnt out deadend of a woman. She watched the stars drifting aimlessly.
She felt disconnected. As if everyone else was going somewhere, with ideas and meanings and plans for the way their lives should go, and how they would get there. And she just didn’t. No matter how much she kicked god’s old machines, they refused to give. And the less it all seemed to make sense, the better the cigarettes tasted.
Holly pissed away her night on the steps of the barn, until she took one last slow drag and got up.
Ash
The next morning, Holly got dressed, and left without a word to anyone. In fact she was out the door before Walt and Oscar had even gotten up. Outside, she realized just how early she was when the sun wasn’t in it’s usual place above the mountains. She didn’t know what to do with herself.
After a minute she simply picked a direction and biked, to fight off the morning chill if nothing else. She found herself down a loveless boulevard, then back out in the dulcet plains until she happened upon her place of work.
She wrestled with the dilemma of ridding somewhere far away without looking back, and just going to work early. Somehow in her head, perhaps by conditioning, or by self resignation, the neurons telling her to go to work fired that much quicker.
She parked in the back, but didn’t recognize the car in the employee spot. The pang of the bell above the front door as she entered startled the woman behind the register, who’s eyes shot open. Holly stepped up to the counter, “You new?”
“Yeah, why?..” She replied.
“I work here is all. Is this yer first shift?”
“Yeah… Am I doing something wrong?”
“Naw yer all good- listen, I’m not yer boss you dun hafta worry about me, ehkay? We’re on the same team.”
“Oh, I’m… glad to hear.”
Holly walked around to the other side of the counter, “’Scuse me hun, I’mmuna just clock in since I’m ere…” Holly clocked in and got a good read on the new girl. “I’m Holly.” Holly extended her hand.
“I’m Ashley.” Ashley received her handshake.
“So how’dya like yer first rodeo?”
“I was a little nervous because it was real late when I came in, but, now I’m just tired.”
“Sure.” Holly nodded.
“I had never really stayed up all night like this.”
“So what brings ya ere? To working in a gas station in the middle of nowhere?”
“Well, I’m trying to make a little money. I lost my other job. I was at the noodle place until it closed down.”
“Oh yeah, I saw that closed. That’s too bad, I’m sorry ta hear.”
“Yeah, well I’m trying to work in between semesters. I just hoped I would be making a little more money.”
“Oh yeah, I know all about that.”
“But what about you?” Ashley returned the question.
“Oh me? I’m nobody.”
“Nobody’s nobody.”
“Well, I’m as close as it gets.”
“Alright, it’s alright, you don’t have to tell me-”
“I’m tellin’ ya there ain’t nothin to tell.”
“Hey what happened to being on the same team?”
They smiled and looked at each other. Holly responded as she grabbed another stool and sat it facing Ashley, “Well it sure didn’t take long for you to come outta yer shell.”
Ashley blushed, “Well, it’s been a pretty lonely few hours.”
“I suppose…”
Holly and Ashley continued to chew the fat in the empty store, talking about life the universe and everything, until the sun had risen to just about its usual place.
Holly looked at the time. “It’s almost time for me to actually start workin’.”
“What?” Ashley said, “You weren’t even supposed to be here?”
Holly laughed, “Nah, I just came in early cause… well, it just worked out that way.”
“Well what a fine thing it did work out that way.”
“Yeah… You oughta go soon though- wheredya live?”
“Down the very end of Deacon Street, past the big graffiti of the butterflies and whatnot, you know?”
“Uh huh.”
“Yeah, to the left, I’m right on the corner there.”
“Hm… that’s funny- whaddya think of that mural?”
“It’s nice, you know, I’m not one of those uppity folk. I think a little color is nice. Why do you ask?”
“…I made it.”
Ashley cocked her head and opened her mouth in shock, “You are kidding!”
“No I am not- butchya can’t tell anyone of course, ya got it? I shouldn’t even be tellin’ you.”
“Oh of course, of course… I just can’t believe it! Everyday for years those butterflies have been looking down at me. Everyday. For years!”
“Now ya know…”
“How did you even do that- it’s so high up!”
Holly couldn’t help but chuckle, “Yeah it’s pretty high up there. That was a long time ago I made that.”
“I mean- do you understand what this means for me, right now, to be face to face with the person who made the butterflies?”
“I guess I don’t. I could show ya some more if you wanted.”
“Really?! That’d be amazing!”
“Alright, alright, but you promised not to tell, ehkay?”
“I promise- oh you’ve gotta show me.”
A man arrived in the shop and the two realized their conversation’s conclusion was overdue, so they made a plan to meet on a Friday evening. Ashley hurried home, while Holly was left now with the prospect of another dull workday.
Radio Tower
Beep beep.
The tower blinked bright in the distance against the early night. Holly spied it from the freeway overpass across the river. Ashley held her chin in her hands, looking to Holly for approval, who seemed only to express the upmost confidence in the spirit of adventure. Unseen by Ashley, Restless was there too, stretching their legs with a grin.
“Okay. If you’re not worried.” Ashley said.
Beep beep.
Another twin flashes struck out from the tower.
Holly assured her, “It’ll be fun, I promise. C’mon, let’s go!” Holly threw on her varsity jacket and let her hair down.
Ashley stood up, “Okay, let’s go!”
Beep beep.
Restless bolted down the overpass along the shoulder of the road with Holly and Ashley breaking out after him. A few cars honked as they passed, others swerved to give them room, though Holly was unfazed by the high speed reaper running with them. By the time the highway had become a bridge they were out of breath. Holly walked backwards towards the precipice of the crossing, calling, “Keep up!”
Ashley called back, “Are you crazy?!”
“What?” Holly asked, tripping and nearly falling backwards as she did. Ashley closed the distance between them to catch her but Holly had already recovered. Ashley held her shoulders, “You good?”
“Yeah.” Holly smiled, electric life beaming from her face.
Ashley commented, “You’re gunna get yourself killed.” They had reached the pinnacle of the bridge’s arc and stopped. “Do you know how dangerous this is?!”
Holly shot back, “Listen here Ash, you gotta chill, okay?”
Ashley gave her a look.
Holly revised, “I don’t wanna make ya nervous. We can stop runnin’, okay? We can just walk.”
“Yeah.” Ashley relented, “That’d be better.”
Restless expressed their disapproval to Holly, Aww, c’mon, we were doing great!
From there, they walked down the bridge and onto the sidewalk on the other side. They cut down a side road and into an alleyway.
“Okay,” Holly started, “Here’s where it gets good.” She produced two black face masks from her backpack, gave one to Ashley and put the other in her pocket. “So, with graffiti, you haveta be quick. You can’t really be hangin’ around, unless it’s a safe spot like an abandoned building or summin’- and even then. It’s best practice to be in and out as quick as ya can.”
“Wait, Why- are the cops actually gunna show up? How would they know?” Ashley pressed.
“Naw, naw, probably not, but it’s best practice so it’s what we’re gunna do. Plus, it adds to the excitement.” The two continued down the alley until it emptied to a main street. They made their way across and through what seemed to Ashley like a labyrinth, until they found themselves behind a short brick building that appeared condemned.
Restless thought to Holly, Oh, you gotta hit this. It’s practically begging for it.
Holly put on her mask, “Mask on Ash, I’mma just do summin’ real quick ere then we can keep goin’.” Holly got out the tools of her trade, and started to tag a blank space on the wall.
Ashley watched with rapt attention as Holly threw up the word “Still” in about fifteen seconds, with swift and sharp movements. “Damn.” Ashley said, “what does it mean?”
Holly threw her stuff back in her bag, “It’s just- everyone- you can’t, well you don’t use yer real name. Ya have yer alter-ego or whatever.”
“And yours is ‘Still’?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing.”
“Alright, well, goodanuf, let’s get outta ere.”
The two then came upon a derelict factory building. Holly stopped suddenly just ahead of a shattered window…
“All quiet.” Holly whispered.
Ashley wondered if that was an announcement or a direction. Holly climbed through the window and helped Ashley in. The interior was dark but Holly lit up a cigarette from her back pocket and held Ashley’s arm to guide her to the stairs. Ashley coughed from the initial exhalation of smoke.
“Sorry…” Holly said, holding the cigarette away from Ashley.
“It’s alright…” Ashley wheezed.
Once ascended, moonlight glared down from a hole in the roof on one side, and streetlights peered in through a window on the other side.
Restless hung around, silently hyping themselves up.
Holly relaxed, and walked Ashley over to the moonlit side, which was covered top to bottom in years of paint. Ashley asked, “Who made all of these?”
“We all did. The city did. There’s stuff from writers who don’t even live here anymore, or aren’t even alive anymore.”
“But do you know them all?”
“I hardly know any of them actually. And I like to keep it that way. That’s why we’re here so early. I knew there wouldn’t be anybody.” Holly pointed out an ornate mural depicting a mob of police in riot gear eating like zombies from a corpse in the street, the fallen body laden with jewels and money, which the officers pocket. “That one’s mine.”
“Mmm… Graphic.”
“Wanna see a fun one?”
“Sure.”
On the opposite side Holly pointed to a mural of an octopus with a chef’s hat.
“That’s yours?” Ashley asked.
“Yep. Sometimes ya gotta keep it light. Oh, see, look, some kid’s written over a part of mine.”
“That’s too bad I like this one.”
“Yeah, yer kinda not supposed ta do that, but I don’t really care anymore. It all gets painted over eventually.”
They took another few minutes to explore before Holly led her out the way they came onto the street again, weaving through town and out the other side. On the outskirts of town and they could finally see the tower again, up close, surrounded by fences and signs.
Holly snuffed her cigarette in the grass and motioned for Ashley to come closer, “Okay, real quick, do you remember our plan B and our cover story?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, putchyer mask on. Ya ready?”
“Yes?”
Holly sighed, “Ash, I’m not gunna make ya do it if you dun wanna. Do you want to?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, follow close, see ya at the top.”
Restless was practically bursting with energy, thinking to Holly, Are you ready for the RUSH, Hol? I am so ready!
Holly gave Ashley a pat on the shoulder, glanced around, and snuck up fast to the fence. It was fitted with barbed wire at the top, but when she was here to scope things out a week ago, Holly had cut out a small section of fence. She enlarged the opening and crawled in. There were no lights besides the dim ambience of the city and of the moon. They found themselves under the three legs of the tower.
Holly jumped and grabbed a steel beam, then hoisted herself up and held out a hand for Ashley. After a few attempts, Ashley managed to hold on get up into the latticework of steel. Holly lead the way spidering up the base of the tower until the three legs converged into one spire. She waited for Ashley to catch up. “You good?” Holly asked.
“Yup.” Ashely replied, out of breath.
“Now’s it’s the easy part.” There was a ladder leading up from there, which had been locked and caged at the bottom, that was now accessible. They rose quickly up to the array near the top of the tower, which had a platform to rest on. The three stood and caught their breath.
Beep beep.
The red lights on the tower flickered, now much brighter.
“What a view huh?” Holly remarked.
Ashley looked down for the first time, startling herself. From there they could see all the long flat roads leading in and out of the city, the mountains surrounding them, the lights left on, all the church steeples and office buildings, the river glimmering beside the highway in the moonlight, and the little gas statin just on the horizon where it all started.
“Woah fuck…” Ashley said.
“Yep. We still shouldn’t stay ‘ere too long so I’mma leave my mark quick while yer takin’ in the sights. Alright Ash?”
“Okay, yeah…”
Beep beep.
Restless, satisfied and exhausted, receded from Holly’s mind.
Holly climbed perilously out onto an arm of the tower and began her work on the flat side of a big grey panel. Ashley could hardly look at or way from Holly’s death wish of an artistic drive. Holly was absorbed in her work, and both of them were running off more adrenaline than sense.
Ashley thought about how she got there. In her mind she followed all the choices and events that led her here. From being born nearby, moving into the house by Holly’s butterflies, losing her job, landing her new one, things “just working out that way” for Holly that morning, to finally saying yes at the bottom of the tower. For just a minute, life seemed overwhelmingly possible.
Beep beep.
“Alrighty.” Holly climbed back over, to Ashley’s relief, “That’s my bit done.”
“This has been quite the night.” Ashley remarked.
Holly hung her legs over the edge of the platform. “Whaddya mean? Just another Tuesday for me.” Holly smiled
“Yeah right, tough girl.” Ashley returned playfully.
“Hangin’ out with a criminal, what’s yer family gunna think?”
“Oh they don’t care what I do.”
“No? What are they like?”
“I have a little brother. Alex. He’s like eleven I think. We just live with our dad.”
“I see.Wanna share that story?”
“It’s not really a story. My family’s always had problems.”
“I see.”
“What about you?” Ashley finally took her eyes off the sweeping view and turned to Holly.
“Well I gottsa sister called June and a brother walled Oscar who I live with. Not really my siblin’s but in my heart they are. And Oscar’s got a boyfriend called Walter who lives with us too.”
“Maybe I’ll meet them sometime.”
“Sure thing.”
“…What about your real family.”
“Well… they’re real to me.”
“Alright, don’t wanna share that story.”
“Not particularly.”
“Okay. That’s okay.”
They smiled and locked eyes. For a just a flickering moment Holly thought she felt Stillness, but a siren blared in the distance that made her jump. “Fuck. That’s probably or signal to go.”
They got up and Holly began to descend. Ashley followed, “Wait- do they know we’re here?”
“Dunno. Let’s not wait ta find out. Be careful though.”
The descent seemed twice as quick as the way up, racing back down the ladder then spidering through the metal latticework. By the time they had crawled under the fence again, Ashley was feeling the burn. “Holly, I’m tired.”
“Yeah? Me too.” They walked down the hill again, surveying for signs of police, “You can take yer mask off there hun. Here I’ll take it. Don’t want any paraphernalia on ya.” Ashley handed it over.
“I think we’re alright. Let’s not linger though.” Holly suggested.
“I can walk you home if you like?” Ashley offered.
“What? I was gunna offer to walk you.”
“No it’s all good, I got you.”
“Ash, didn’t you just say you were tired?”
“Who me? No…”
“Ash.”
“Oh come on, just let me.”
“Okay fine. Cause ya asked so nicely.”
And so it was Ashley who walked Holly back. By the end of the night, on the doorstep of that old barn, they made plans to meet again, next time through a less legally questionable activity.
Holly said goodnight, went inside and climbed upstairs to find June already asleep. What am I doing? She thought, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I knew I couldn’t keep my heart to myself. She laid down and wondered Why don’t I know how I really feel? Whatever I’m feeling I shouldn’t be anyway… Holly curled up and without much effort, that angel Sleep closed her eyes.
Legerdemain
The following week, Holly came into work to relieve her old comrade Marty of his duty.
“G’morning.” He said as she came in.
“Mornin’. How’s hell?”
“Oh you know. Not much to it.”
Holly clocked in. “Nope.” She settled in and pulled out a small sketchbook and pen. Marty packed his things and left with a wave. Holly opened the book and began to sketch her next piece.
The day drew by slow. People came and went, while Holly preformed the bare minimum. And all the mindless time in between customers was swallowed up by her roving ballpoint.
Why have I never thought to just slack off the whole entire work day? Actually I think about that all the time. The question is why haven’t I done it sooner?
Near the end of her shift, a black car pulled right up to the front door. A bald old man in a blazer came out. She recognized him from somewhere. He barged in, made direct eye contact with Holly as he went for the counter and said, “Can I speak to you for a moment?”
He was her boss. His voice triggered the memory and she followed him to the back. He closed the door to the office behind him and sat down hurriedly. “Listen- sit down. I’m here to tell you you’re fired.” Holly sat down slowly, he went on, “Listen, I know you’ve been fudging the numbers on the clock okay? That’s considered larceny and I could have you in big trouble okay?”
“I just came early one day…” Holly responded.
“No, you didn’t, you hacked into the computer and you’ve been basically stealing from me, okay?”
“You think I hacked into yer computer?”
“Listen! I know you did, okay? I got cameras, I know you did, so here’s what I’m gunna say: you’re fired and don’t come back here, and I don’t call the cops.”
“What about my paycheck?”
“Your not gettin’ any of it! Know why? You stole from me! How do I know you came in at all and any of your hours are true?”
“Well apparently ya have cameras that can help ya with that.”
“Don’t get fucking smart with me or I will call the cops.”
“You have to give me what ya owe me!”
“I don’t owe you shit! Now get outta of here!”
Holly was burning up now. She snapped upright, scowled at the man, and got quiet, “You bitch. You’re a coward. You’re the worst kind of scum.” Her voice was crescendoing, as the man continued to threaten her, “Yafuckin’ whore! You’re a fuckin’ piece of shit!”
She watched him dial 911, spat in his face, and stormed out. Her heart was beating against its cage, her blood rushing with the high of conflict. She got her bike and sped out in the opposite direction of town, feeling Restless’s inevitable accompaniment. As she pushed her pedals, the high wore offand the pit in her stomach grew wider. She was somewhere down I90 when the sun had nearly fallen and she felt tears coming.
She stopped biking and realized she was starving. She normally skipped lunch and had dinner as soon as she got home. What the hell am I doing…
She found herself on the side of the highway, by a fenced in field. She dropped her bike and ambled up to the fence, where nothing but the empty godless plains of an empty godless country looked back at her. Restless followed her with concern. Her mind reached out for anything. What the fuck am I doing?!
She climbed over the fence and meandered a few feet along it before falling to her knees by a bush. “What the fuck am I doing!?” She screamed. Once spoken, a flood of emotion rushed through her all at once, and she sobbed on her side on the flat grass. Then, in her vulnerability, Restless laid down, and embraced her. She felt the buzzing as she wept. That unnamable something. It was loud now. Untamed and free to rage against the walls of her skull. Why? Why? Why goddammit! Was all she could think. Until the pain of the that wild something grew so strong it began to resemble Numb.
And that old angel Sleep watched her, sitting on the fencepost with their head cocked. They mused about whether to intervene or not. Would it take the edge off? Or would the cold kill her? Maybe a power nap was in order. Or maybe she should just sleep the whole night and try again tomorrow. That old angel couldn’t make up their mind.
When Holly came to, the sun was gone. She couldn’t remember if she had slept or not, but she felt cold, hungry, and tired. She fumbled her phone out of her pocket, and called Ashley.
“Hey Holly.” Ashley said.
“Hey Ash…” Holly managed.
“You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m okay…”
“You don’t sound amazing…”
“Well, actually I’m not doin’ great, I was wonderin’ if you were busy?”
“Not really, I’m just home.”
“Um, well, see, I’m actually in a field right now.”
“What?”
“I’m in a field, somewhere down I90, and I don’t know where exactly but do ya think you could come get me?”
“Yeah sure,” Ashley chuckled, “How did you end up there?”
“Oh I dunno, I biked.”
“You biked down I90?” They were both laughing now.
“Yeah.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know…” Holly’s laughter turned to tears.
“Holly? Holly? I’m gunna be down there in a minute okay? I’ll go as fast as I can, I’ll be right there. Okay?”
“Okay…”
“Okay, see you.”
“Bye.”
Holly hung up and held to phone to her cheek. She surveyed her bleak surroundings, and waited for her rescue. The sky was encompassing, draped on the shoulders of the mountains and prairies. Only rosy and dulcet blues remained from the sunset. Holly kept her palms on her forehead, except to occasionally rub her eyes. She sat silently feeling like a child.
Restless only watched her. Hol, they began, you alright?
Holly didn’t pick her head up for a long time.
You know, it’s really a nice night. Restless mused.
Holly shot back, oh fuck off.
Did I do something? Huh, what did I do this time?
I said fuck off. You always go too far, you fuck everything up!
Who’s in control here? Huh?
Don’t pretend like you don’t egg me on! you are so full of shit right now.
I, have given you everything!
Holly finally looked them in the eyes.
Restless went on, Everything you ever had, I gave to you! I got you your job, and your room, and Ashley. Where would you be without me?
I really don’t need this… you fucker.
You really want me gone? Fine, OD on whatever the hell you’re taking these days. You’re nothing without me.
Holly watched them hop the fence, descend the hill, and stride down the highway away from town until they merged with the horizon. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She didn’t even feel relieved like she though she would. She hardly felt anything. She took out a cigarette and lit it. The high was so meager and disappointing there was hardly a difference anymore between smoking tobacco and paper.
She started to tear up as the smoke curled around her, but she couldn’t quite cry. Nothing came out. Maybe she had nothing to release, she thought to herself, maybe I’m empty. That’s it. All I had was that. Nothing left.
The thought of suicide came shortly after. Without drama or theatrics, the idea just presented itself. It’s always an option, she figured. But how? There’s nothin’ out ‘ere. There’re hardly even any cars. I’d probably have to walk all the way to the river… and I don’t really feel like getting up…
Down In A Hole
In the distance she saw light. She rose and stumbled toward the fence, but the blood rushed to her head. She managed to get over and stand on the side of road, blinded by headlights, as the car pulled over.
Ashley burst out the car, “Holly! Are you okay?” She ran to her and embraced her for a long time. Ashley held her shoulders and asked again if she was okay.
“A little cold and hungry…” Holly replied.
“Alright, let’s get you outta here.” Ashley opened the passenger door and escorted her in. She got behind the wheel and reached in the back for a blanket which she passed to Holly. “Thank you.” Holly mumbled.
“Of course… Have you been crying?”
“A bit.”
“Oh, Holly… Should we get you some food first?”
“Yes please- I’ll pay.”
“You actually won’t, but I appreciate the offer.” Ashley started the car and took off.
By 8 o clock, they were in a McDonalds parking lot, sitting in the backseat together, sharing their meal. Ashley finally asked, “So, Holly, how and why exactly did you end up in that ditch?”
“Oh, umm. It’s hard ta explain actually…”
“We’ve got time.”
Holly told the story of how she got fired. “And after I told ‘em off, he actually called the cops on me.”
“So wait, did you get arrested?”
“Naw naw, though ya are hangin’ out with a wanted girl now.” Holly joked.
“But wait. You’ve just told me you were fired, what happened then?”
“Well, I didn’t wannahavta speak ta the police, regardless of whether or not I was in the right, so I fled. I took my bike and just rode. And I guess I, just… I dunno. Couldn’t take it anymore? I’ll admit it was a bit delusional.”
“Yeah. Well, I’m really sorry.”
“It’s alright. It worked out in the end I guess…”
“If you say so.” Ashley smiled.
Holly noticed the windows fogging up, and a strange feeling came over her. “Ash? I mean- Ashley?”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t wanna go home.”
“No? Well we’ve got a little more time I think.”
“No, I mean- What am I doin’ with my life?”
“I don’t know.”
“Exactly, nobody knows. I’m a deadend.”
“Holly, you are not a deadend.”
“No really, I have no future. Simple as that.”
“Holly-”
“I’m gunna die alone, prolly overdose, and I’ll be buried in a shallow unmarked grave in the infinite wasteland we call Montana.”
“Holly, you are a good person.”
“I don’t think you understand, I have no job, no degree, no prospects, and no way out. I need ambrosia almost every night just to sleep. I don’t know how I’m gunna eat next week. I might as well be dead.” Holly’s anguish turned again to sadness. “And you know what? I just realized I left my sketchbook at that fuckin’ gas station.”
Ashley took in her options for a moment, weighing her life and her choices. “You just got dealt a bad hand.”
“I’m never going to get outta ‘ere.”
“Why not?” Ashley was almost pleading.
“Why? Cause people like me don’t get out!”
“Holly, come on, be real…”
“What?”
“I’m just saying that if you think you’ll die in a hole, then your gunna die in a hole.”
“I would be stupid not to accept it.”
“Alright, well I’ll get the shovel then.”
“Alright.”
“Fine!” Ashley looked down solemnly, then back to Holly, “You ungrateful bastard. I just picked you up and took you out and now you talk like this? Seriously?”
Holly was completely disarmed, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it, I dunno why I said it- please, Ash, I don’t wanna die in a hole, I don’t wanna be an addict, I don’t wanna stay here forever, all I want is…”
Ashley watched her make her speech. They sat silent while Holly searched for the words.
“Just talk to me straight. We’re on the same team.” Ashley smiled out of the corner of her mouth but she was being honest.
“I’m sorry. Ta be honest I only said it cause I’m afraid of it.” Holly confessed.
“I understand. It’s okay.”
“All I really want is… I dunno…”
“It’s okay not to know, I mean you’re only- how old are you?”
“Nineteen.”
“What!? You’re nineteen?! Fuck. Really? Goddamn.”
“What? Why how old are you?”
“I’m twenty-three.”
“Oh wow.”
“Yeah. Exactly. You’re like a kid.” Ashley smiled.
“Oh come on now don’t say that.” Holly blushed.
“You kind of are though.”
“Ash.”
“Holly.”
Holly attempted to change the subject away from her youth, “So wait if yer twenty-three, yer probably almost done with college right?”
“Yeah, well I did my first year and then I had to take a break to work, and then I went back to finish my degree. But yeah I’ll be done in like a month.”
“Woah.”
“Yeah. But I dunno if my degree’s gunna be worth anything.”
“Why not?”
“I just got a haunch that my money problems aren’t going to be over anytime soon.”
“Yeah, yer tellin’ me, I’m unemployed and uneducated.”
“Yeah I know, so what are you gunna do?”
“I really do not know.” Holly looked past Ashley out into the fluorescent parking lot. “I just want… to be okay.”
Ashley sighed and cocked her head towards her.
“That’s all really. Just for once, for a moment, to actually relax.”
“I understand that.” Ashley smiled but Holly was dead serious. Holly looked at Ashley and frowned, Ashley put her hand on Holly’s shoulder and massaged her slowly. Holly’s heart leapt up and the electricity of her spirit returned. Ashley just focused on her fingers and the regular mechanical action. “Is that okay?” Ashley said, hushed.
“Yeah.” Holly responded likewise.
In that moment an old figure showed their face again: Stillness. They entered without force and guided their bodies closer.
Without a word the two gradually got more comfortable, with Holly eventually laying her head on Ashley’s lap as Ashley stroked her hair and held her hand. They laid, covered by Stillness, and it clicked for Holly. All she wanted was this. Stillness. She realized in an instant that she had never really known what contentment felt like until now, and as her eyelids descended she nearly cried.
Ashley simply let her attention wander, raking her finger’s through Holly’s hair, and listening to her breath. Until she saw the time. 9:30.
“Holly, Hun… Holly.” She whispered.
Holly woke up, more or less, realized where she was and sat up. “I’m sorry.” She said.
“Don’t be. I do have to take you home though.”
“Mmn. What kinda college kid goes to bed at 10:00?”
“One who has an 8:00AM.”
“Mmn…”
So they drove silently,
And wondered together in the silence,
And when they arrived,
All Holly said was “thank you.”
She went inside quietly,
And in bed all was quiet.
And when her mind wandered,
It lilted and bloomed.
She’s so lovely,.
Of course I’m in love.
She’s my only way out,
And all I wanted was her…
But her thoughts ceded softly,
As that angel flew down soft,
And closed her eyes for mercy’s sake,
To smother out the night.
Let The Days Go By
The next morning when Holly woke up it was already late, dawn’s rose red fingers having already shone and receded. She was different, heavier, or maybe weaker. She stayed in bed for ages, staring at the ceiling and thinking of nothing. When she heard the door open, it was June returning from school, which Holly knew meant it was two in the afternoon. Holly was a little shocked at herself. So much of the day wasted. What happened? It was just there?
With effort, she got up, to go to the bathroom and eat. June had already vanished again by the time Holly made it to the kitchen. She looked in the fridge and in every cupboard before toasting two sad slices of bread, and calling it a meal.
Before long she returned to the prison mattress. Her body ached. She was smothered, paralyzed, and above all very very heavy. Lying on her back again, she wondered if she even could get up. Not that she wanted to anyway.
From there it was only a matter of time before the ambrosia flowed again in her veins as a waterfall, and the deep low grew deeper. One patch followed another until Sleep came to relieve her from waking.
Things went on like this for days.
She would wade through as much of the day as she could under the shadow of Numb or Sleep. If her Ambrosia and cigarette use before was rain, it was now pouring. Every now and then she would find her mind unaltered. On the couch staring out the window. She watched birds skittering in the bushes, cars and people flashing by, and shapes in the landscape appearing and disappearing. It didn’t mean a thing.
Every time her mind was left on it’s own, it craved the comfort of Numb. Moments of clarity became rare, and time became a function only of when to eat, use, or sleep.
Numb was a demanding lover, uninterested in reciprocating. He called for more and more of Holly’s time. Even interrupting Sleep to remind Holly of who she should be devoted to. And the more Holly gave to him, the less Numb seemed to give back. By now a cigarette was hardly enough to summon him, and even the powerful ambrosia needed to be multiplied to get his same attention.
And after a long time in Numb’s thrall, Holly received a visit.
She woke up to a familiar face looming over her. Miss me? Restless thought to her, How you been girl? You look like shit.
Holly rubbed her eyes and rolled over.
Oh, okay, we’re still playing that game. I got it. It’s cool. Whatever.
Holly heard Walt and Oscar talking downstairs. The morning light gave her a headache as it streamed in from the loft window.
Restless started up again, You know, it really took you like, what- a week? If that, to fall apart completely.
Holly couldn’t help but defend herself, I’m fine thanks.
Ha! Really? Hol, babe. You’re broke, hungry, sick, and alone. You’re doing great sweatheart.
Holly finally turned over to scowl at them.
And you haven’t even been speaking to your roommates, or returning Ashley’s messages… huh? What’s with that Hol? Huh?
Holly felt a pit in her stomach, Fuck you, I don’t need this shit anymore.
No, you actually do need this shit right now, Restless put their hands on their hips.
Oh fuck off…
Fuck off is not an argument! You are throwing everything away! You should be glad that I even had the decency to come back to you. I could have let you rot, I really could. But I’m not gunna.
Holly sighed, ran her fingers through her hair, and rubbed her eyes while she reflected. It had been a long time since she felt the pull of Restless. He always did have an effect on her. She felt worst about blowing off Ashley. It had been a log time since she let herself recognize her own feeling too. She felt ashamed, guilty, remorseful, and above all, sorry.
After the pause she just though, It’s that bad huh?
Restless replied, Yeah, just a little bit…
Fuck.
Yeah….
Opus
A month passed, and the warm air from the south was just now tantalizing the feet of the purple mountains with summer. New blooms were waking in the shallow eden of the land the gods forgot. Holly found new work, employing herself at a competing gas station, without mentioning the incident that terminated her previous contract. An incident she never recovered her notebook or her cash from, as she explained to Ashley one day, in the shade of the barn’s broad side.
“I never did get my notebook back. From that old gas station- ya know? You remember.”
“I do.” Ashley was in a lawn chair half reading a novel.
“You know… So, I had to start from scratch…” Holly was on a ladder stapling a large white bedsheet taught on the barn wall.
“Yeah…”
Restless was watching too, sitting on the grass near Ashley.
Once Holly was satisfied with her hanging, she got down and stepped back. “I think this is going to be my opus.”
“Mhm. Your magnum opus?”
“That’s right- yeah…” Holly grabbed a can of black spray paint and fiddled with it, studying the wall and the sheet. After a minute she fetched a cigarette from her back pocket and lit it. The minty tang, and the harsh smell of the smoke brought a thousand memories back to her. She breathed the smoke out, and tried to look at her canvas as a whole.
The humble cigarette had once been the burning herald of Numb, but now it was only the suggestion of his visage. That was always Numb’s trick. The more you get used to having him around, the less he feels like showing up.
“I dun need the sketchbook anyway really.” Holly said finally.
“Yeah, you’re pretty good.” Ashley remarked.
“Thank you.” Holly looked back at Ashley, who tore herself from her book to return the gaze.
“I mean it.” Holly stepped over to her and caressed her head. Ashley picked up Holly’s hand and kissed the back of it. Ashley coughed, “Could you not smoke that by me, hun?”
Holly’s checks burned red. She turned and snuffed the cigarette out in her water bottle. “Sorry. Force of habit.” Holly said.
“It’s fine… So what’s this one gunna be?”
“It’s about… Hm. It’s about people like us, I guess- people like me anyways, you know? Outcasts. Or outsiders really… I dunno, the themes will come to me when I actually go ta make it fer real.”
“I see.”
“… When do you havta be home tonight?”
“It’s you who has stuff to do tomorrow so, whenever you want me to go I can.”
“Oh well in that case you don’t havta leave at all.”
“Holly, I do have to go back sometime.”
“Why?” Holly smiled as she asked.
“I just, you know… I have to keep an eye on the house.”
“Do ya?”
“I kinda do. I mean I wish I didn’t have to, obviously. But…”
“One night away’s not gunna kill ya…”
“Holly… We’ll see okay?”
“Alright okay.” Holly walked back to the wall. “You’re gunna wanna put on the mask now, Ash.”
“What? Me? You’re closer.”
“Your lungs are precious, mine are already fucked.”
“Holly.” Ashley gave her a look. “Look, I’ll be way over here.” She picked up the chair and moved it farther from the wall.
“Alright fine.” Holly donned her mask, and the familiar clacking of the ball in the can signaled the start of her work.
Ashley went back to her book to finish the chapter.
Restless commented idly while Holly worked, You know, I always preferred, photography to painting.
Holly responded, Is that right? What happened ta takin’ it easy?
Yeah. Old habits babes. You know all about it.
Yeah I do.
Hey, I’m glad to be back on your side, you know?
Glad to have you.
Alright, enough sappyness! Look whatchya got me sayin’.
When Ashley next looked up, a peculiar asymmetrical array of black lines spanned the canvas. She watched Holly concentrating and sketching the broad strokes. To Ashley it looked completely abstract until Holly began to layer colors light and dark, bringing depth and eventually detail. But the sun was setting on the other side of the barn and Ashley was growing bored.
At some point Holly noticed Ashley standing below her, stopped painting, and pulled off her mask. “Hey Ash, you dunhavta stay out ‘ere, I’m just finishin’ up. But there’s dinner inside, in the freezer.”
“Okay. Yeah, I might head in, I’ll get dinner ready. It looks good though.”
“Thanks.”
Ashley headed around the corner.
“Hey!” Holly called out.
Ashley turned around.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” Ashley assured.
Absolute Crescendo
That night, once dinner had been reheated and eaten, and June, Walter, and Oscar had turned in, Holly and Ashley rested on the couch together. Holly laid her head on Ashley’s chest, and spoke quietly. “Oh… What are we going to do?”
Ashley asked, “About what?”
“About life?”
“…I dunno, what do you mean?”
Holly sighed. “I dunno either. I guess I wanna do somethin’ with my life.”
“Yeah? Working the register not fulfilling enough?”
“Ha- naw. Not really.”
“Well, whaddya wanna do?”
“That’s the problem, I can’t do anythin’.”
“If you could do anything what would you do?”
“…I suppose I’d just make my art. And be with you. It’s all I wanna do.”
“You’re very sweet.” Ashley hugged her more tightly. “I wish I knew how to help you…”
“That’s alright…”
“Well, there is one thing you could do that might help…”
“What’s that?”
“Well, the smoking and the drugs… It’s probably not helping.”
“… Yeah, I know, I know.”
“I know you know, but when are you gunna do something.”
Holly was silent.
“It’s okay, I mean- you know, we don’t have to do anything right now. It’s just…”
“Yeah… I know- I mean, I understand.”
“Hey, for now let’s just relax okay?”
“I’d like that… thank you…”
The lights were off and as Holly stared at the ceiling she let her eyes fall to a soft blackness. She felt across Ashley’s arms before letting her hands settle over Ashley’s. Such a novel feeling for her couldn’t be cherished enough. She drank in the warmth of Ashley’s body next to hers. The stillness in the air so nectar sweet and invisible it could be mistaken for nothing at all.
She pressed Ashley’s hand into her’s. A joyous sensation flowed down from her fingers and through her body, as Ashley’s embrace covered her. Her skin seemed to melt away like air, and through her blood an ecstasy ran.
Stillness had arrived. Finally, finally she was back! Her mind cried. For the first time, she gave in without knowing exactly where each new step was leading. Stillness accompanied Ashley’s hands and lips, as they explored. She didn’t resist. She slipped in like nothing, and wound her way around her. And it was over. Nothing mattered, for just a little while.
Time flew by from ascending peaks. The black ceiling, the embers of the soul, the smell of her hair. Points of focus drifted in and out of her attention. The moment became a fleeting thing. As soon as she latched onto one sensation, another one took it’s place. They became so much a part of the present moment that they couldn’t distinguish one high from the next. The texture of the couch, the sound of her breath, the striking heat. And when Stillness had reached her absolute crescendo, that old angel Sleep came to draw Holly away.
After a long while of laying and recuperating, Ashley attempted to wake Holly.
She shook her gently and whispered, “Holly… Hun…”
“…”
“Hun… Sweetheart… …Holly.” Ashley gave her a proper shake and Holly began to cast off Sleep’s comforting spell.
“Hmm…”
“Holly, Hun- I have to go home soon.”
“Mnn…”Holly opened her eyes and turned to her. “You have to go?”
“Pretty soon yeah.”
“You have to go?”
“Holly, I really do have to. I wouldn’t leave otherwise.”
“Okay.” Holly sat up.
“I’ll see you again soon.”
“Yeah of course. What time is it?”
“Almost eleven.”
“Oh… well, drive safe Ash.”
“I will.”
“Call me if you need anything.”
“Okay, g’night hun.” Ashley got up, kissed Holly’s forehead, and crept to the front door. Holly stayed on the couch, even as Ashley’s headlights pierced the living room window and then diminished. Sleep, ever vigilant, fell quickly upon her again.
And so Dawn, with her rose red fingers, once again stretched over the landscape. The bright streams of light roused Holly before the others. The sound of June coming down from the loft caused her to sit upright and drift back into reality.
Holly greeted her, “Mornin’.”
“Good morning.”
Holly got up, grabbed a cigarette and lighter from her jacket pocked hanging by the door and stepped outside.
Refrain
Sitting on the porch, Holly felt like the world was open. She felt that the gods had recognized her. And though she didn’t yet know how, she felt at once aware of the tether holding her to the divinities that be, and determined to free herself.
She rolled the cigarette in her fingers. Cool menthol, brisk air, and a brave new world for a nobody to wash up in. She watched a bird resting on a power line.
She felt sorry for herself. She couldn’t remember ever having been aware of her life in a meaningful sense. And as she reflected now, her past seemed so unnecessarily painful. Why hadn’t she known? Why didn’t she ever see a way out before? Why couldn’t every morning feel as good as this one? And the more it all seemed like things were going to be okay, the worse the cigarette tasted.
She took one last slow drag and got up.
One last slow drag.
One last.
And as that final kiss of smoke drifted away, so to did Numb, and his ever present promise.
Exit Strategy
Holly went back in and got dressed. She rode her bike and the high of the night before to her new place of work. This gas station was closer to the center of town and had a lot more people throughout the day. It was the opposite of her old job- every second there was something to do. She liked how the pace kept her mind occupied, but it was really only a means, to a means, to an end.
When she clocked out and left she found the sun still shining high, and her renewed compatriot, Restless waiting for her. They thought to her, Hey princess, how’s it hangin’?
How come you didn’t join me today?
Oh I dunno- anyway, how ya feelin’ about tonight?
Fine.
Mhm, bullshit.
Holly smiled, grabbed her bike and started back with Restless beside her. But without the pull of work on her mind, nerves about that night began to set in. Just the littlest hint of discomfort, itching where her brain couldn’t scratch it. By the time she got home the discomfort had multiplied.
June was spending the night away, but Walt and Oscar were in the kitchen cooking together. Oscar greeted Holly as she entered, “Hey there Holly.”
“Howdy.”
“How’s yer day?”
“Pretty okay.” Holly sat at the kitchen island.
Walt held up a spatula and a whisk and playfully asked in his quite low voice, “What are we doing?”
“Walt, here.” Oscar handed him a bowl of something. “We’re supposed to be mixing this.”
“Is that right?”
The two joked and bantered and baked and occupied Holly’s mind. But eventually the intensity of her anxiety was too much, and she left them and went upstairs. She sat on her mattress, unsure of what to do with herself. Her mind simmered, and pretty soon she was lying down. She felt sick. She couldn’t wait for Ashley to come and comfort her and for it all to be over.
And for a long time she laid there, as if lying ahull in the ship of her mid. She listened to the conversation below but she couldn’t focus on the words, just the sound- like waves lapping at the side of the vessel. Oh my god. She thought, It’s the calm before the storm. She couldn’t help but smile to herself. Ha. Just like the movies.
The sound of the front door opening startled her back into reality. Holly sat up and looked over the edge of the loft. Walt and Oscar had retired to their room and left the lights on low. “Hey. Come in.” Holly said.
Ashley came in and took her shoes off, “What are you doing up there in the dark?”
“I’s just restin’.”
Ashley came up the stairs and sat next to Holly on the mattress, “How do you feel?”
Holly took a breath, “Nervous. I’m glad to see you though.”
Ashley put her arm around her, “I’m glad too.” They hugged and Holly fixed her head in the crook of Ashley’s neck. “I know you’re gunna be alright…” Ashley reassured her and kissed her hand.
“Yeah…” Holly said. She caressed Ashley, trying to summon Stillness, to little effect.
Ashley broke the silence, “C’mon, we should probably go before the sun sets.”
Holly released herself from Ashley’s arms, “Sure, yeah. I’ll grab my stuff.” Holly took her satchel, which usually contained spray paints, markers, and masks, the tools of her trade, and instead filled it with all of her remaining ambrosia and cigarettes. She slung it over her shoulder, and the they left, Restless close behind.
The summer evening was bright, buzzing with life, clear, and sunny. As they walked down the road Ashley asked, “I gotta confess Holly, I’m a little excited for you.”
“Well I appreciate that.”
“Is that bad of me to say?”
“Naw, I mean… I’m excited in way I guess.”
“I just want the best for you.”
“I know. You’re an angel Ash.”
The trio arrived at the river and stood on the rocks of the shore. Holly made her way to the edge of the water and opened up her bag. In first was the carton of cigarettes. Then the box of ambrosia. Jesus, she thought, probably a hundred dollars down the river. Bit of a waste. Could have sold them at least, got something back. I guess it wouldn’t be a symbol then. Fuck symbols, I need cash. She turned to see Ashley smiling and approaching her. At least Ash will be happy. And if you think about it probably will save money in the long run.
Restless countered, babes, money’s nothing. This is about your life. And you know what, I can’t even take credit for this. I mean a little, but when it comes down to it, it’s all you hun.
“How do you feel?” Ashley asked, putting her arm around her.
I think I’m supposed to feel like a weight has been lifted of me or something. Holly didn’t know how to respond so she just told the truth. “Tired. Let’s go home.”
Hours later Holly was lying on her mattress in her bra and shorts, sweating, shaking, and writhing. Ashley could only sit beside her and comfort. Holly held her hand tightly. This had been going on for sometime. Ashley finally voiced her concern, “Should I call an ambulance or something?”
“No no no no no… no, no. Don’t call anyone…” Holly’s breath was strained.
Ashley hung her head and worried.
Restless sat on the opposite side of Holly, covering their mouth.
Holly’s ears were ringing, her eyes heavy and clouded. She felt cold, freezing. But when she placed her palm on her forehead her skin burned. A sinking feeling made it’s home deep in her gut. Pain came in waves. And every time it felt so bad that she didn’t think she could go on, the wave would start to recede. Ashley. Where’s Ashley? The ceiling stared back at her. Ashley’s hand appeared on her shoulder. There…
Holly wondered if she was dying. She tried to say “I love you” to Ashley just in case, but no words came out. The ceiling went stark black all of a sudden, and after hours of battle, that old angel sleep gave her mercy.
Everything Is
In a quiet corner of Montana, where God is just an echo, and each Spring the earth breaks, and each Summer it dances, and each Fall it yawns, the unnoticed life of one is blooming.
One month has passed…
Ashley walks down the placid frontage road, through the lines of trees. The impassive plains fade into her periphery as the town becomes the downtown. A church step seats a woman smoking, another girl crosses the street, then a bird perches on a power line above.
She comes to the parking garage and begins to circumnavigate it, through fences and concrete geometry. On the garage’s largest, broad face, looking across to the overpass, lies her mural.
Holly’s opus.
Stems of an orchid span the painting, each petiole bearing a wide white flower, embellished with subtle pinks and yellows. Behind the plant, a butterfly’s wings are spread, azure and purple-black. And centered in a bold and flourishing typeface is the statement: “EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING”
Ashley looks up to spy two feet dangling over the edge, eight stories up, on the roof of the garage. She calls to her, “Howd’ya get up there?”
Holly cranes her head perilously over and says, “Hey! Ash! You made it, come up here you gotta see the view!”
“How?” Ashley smiles.
“Wait, I’ll come get you, hold on.” Holly’s legs disappear from the edge.
When Holly reappears, Ashley is holding her arms crossed and shivering.
“Ash!” Holly runs up and hugs her, then pulls back to look at her, “Here, take this.” Holly undoes her varsity jacket and hands it to her.
“Holly…” Ashley hardly gets a chance to protest.
“C’mon! See- me? This brisk autumn air just makes me feel alive. C’mon.” Holly turns to lead Ashley.
Once at the precipice, with a little convincing, the two of them are sat side by side, hanging their feet out over the edge.
Holly feels like the world is hers. She knows she won’t feel that way forever, but she knows better than to let that stop her from feeling it now. It feels like ages ago that her life was so strictly governed by gods beyond her understanding and control. She makes an effort now to court a more mutual relationship with her personal divinities. Though one in particular seems to come around a lot more often, and another hasn’t been seen in a long time.
Meaningless country, sweet air, and a woman full of meaning.
She feels connected. As if, in a world of nothing but independent threads of humanity, she can somehow see them all from up here, as a tangled, knotted, beautiful mess.
Everything is everything,
She is in bloom,
She takes a deep breath,
And finally looks up.
everything & nothing 